NO DRAMA DISCIPLINE (my notes)
ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES.
BE CONSISTENT.
BE LOVING, MAKE A CONNECTION, AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
intro xxv:
Kids who achieve have adults who raise them with a high degree of connection and nurturing, while also communicating and maintaining clear limits and high expectations. Adults who remain consistent while still interacting with them in a way that communicates love, respect, and compassion. MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS!
intro xxvi:
Discipline means to teach. 1. wait till child is ready 2. be consistent but not rigid
The desired outcomes are: insight, empathy, and repair.
p.5
Instead of being reactive we want to be responsive. Being intentional means making conscious decisions based on principles we’ve thought about and agreed upon beforehand.
p.7
Three questions to ask: WHY, WHAT, HOW
- Why did my child act this way?
- What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
- How can I best teach this lesson? CONSIDER their ages and developmental stages, and the context of the situation
p.8
We have to override our primitive reactive brain. Which is more difficult to do if we are sleep deprived, hungry, overwhelmed, or not prioritizing self-care
p.9
Flare ups are often a sign of the child feeling safe and trusting enough to show big feelings.
p.10
Acknowledge their feelings and then model HOW to communicate those emotions. Ie: “it’s hard to wait, you really want me to ___ and you are mad that I am ____, right?”
p.13
Collaborate on solutions together. Once all is calm, discuss what the root of the problem might be, ask questions and problem solve together. Ask what is getting in the way, what is working well? Ask for ideas and potential solutions from the child. Avoid lecturing, instead think, “I wonder why she’s having a hard time right now. What do I want to teach and how can I best teach it?”
p.16
Remember what the child needs at that particular time. Remember their developmental capacity, don’t expect more than they can offer. We should assume that kids will display emotional reactivity and oppositional behaviour.
p.18
A persons capacity to handle situations well and make good decision can really fluctuate according to the circumstances and the context of a given situation.
p.19
Misbehaviour is a moment of difficulty while trying to manage feelings and behaviours.
p.28
You don’t want to send the message that you’ll be in a relationship with her when she’s good or happy, but you’ll withhold your love and affection when she’s not.
p.29
Create a ‘calm zone’ with favourite books, stuffies, toys. It’s not about punishment or making a child pay for their mistake. It’s about offering a choice and a place that helps the child self-regulate and down-shift out of his/her emotional overload.
p.32
When we know better, we do better. Don’t berate yourself for missed opportunities.
p.37
When the child makes a mistake, it’s not fair to ask “what were you thinking?” because most likely the answer is “I don’t know” or “I wasn’t thinking.” Developmentally the child wasn’t engaging the ‘upstairs brain’ or reason & empathy.
p.38
Capacity for reason & empathy changes with context, ie: when tired, hungry, overwhelmed, overstimulated…
p.41
Experience shapes the brain, the brain has plasticity, early abuse can lead to mental illness later in life, taking music lessons or meditating affects (improves?) how well people adapt to difficult situations.
Repeated experiences change the physical architecture of the brain, therefore we want to be intentional about what we reinforce with our children and consider what neural connections are being formed.
Neurons that FIRE together WIRE together. (for positive and negative experiences…)
p.45
When we help children make sense of their experiences, challenges are encoded in the brain as ‘learning experiences’ rather than unconscious associations or even traumas that limit them in the future. When we discuss memories and experiences with kids they tend to have better access to them, when we discuss feelings kids develop a more robust emotional intelligence.
p.46
The brain’s complexity means that when our kids are upset, or when they’re acting in ways we don’t like, we can appeal to different parts of their brains, with different parental responses activating different circuitry. WE can appeal to one part of the brain for one result (reactive) and to another for another result (receptive).
p.47
reactive is perceived as a threat, heightens adrenaline, leads to escalating emotions
receptive is nurturing, open to collaboration and reflective discussions, empathetic
ENGAGE, NOT ENRAGE!
NAME IT TO TAME IT!
P.52
When the upstairs brain gets engaged repeatedly it becomes stronger and begins to grow soothing fibres that extend from the prefrontal upstairs brain into the downstairs brain.
The brain is CHANGING, CHANGEABLE, and COMPLEX.
p.56
No-Drama Discipline allows us to communicate to our children, “I’m with you. I’ve got your back. Even when you are at your worst and I don’t like the way you are acting I love you and I’m here for you. I understand you are having a hard time, and I am here.”
The experience of emotional safety gives children the capacity to act responsibly and make good choices. A style focused on control and fear undermines feelings of safety. If a child lives in constant worry that he might mess up and make his parents unhappy or they’ll be punished won’t feel the freedom to do the things that grow the upstairs brain, such as: consider the feelings of others, explore alternative actions, understand self, try to make best decision for the situation.
p.57
Every time we give a child the experience of exercising the ‘upstairs brain’ it gets stronger and more fully developed. When we ask him questions that develop insight into himself, he becomes more insightful.
p. 59
When we give a child the opportunity to decide how he should act rather than simply telling them what they should do, they become better decision makers.
p.61
It’s essential though that we set limits and that our children internalize ‘no’ when necessary. When the regulatory circuits of the brain are wiring up we are helping to build what will become their conscience/ what feels right/moral compass.
However, try not to use ‘no’ too much for minor reasons (no touching that balloon, no running with your milk) Replace it with ‘yes with a condition.’ yes you can touch your own balloon but not your sister’s. yes you can run after you put your milk down.
p.62
Try not to show anger or negativity when saying no, if possible. Firm but kind. Hostility often translates into shame and humiliation. The focus is on the behaviour with the belief that the behaviour can be modified and there is nothing inherently flawed with the child.
p.64
Every time a child misbehaves it is an opportunity to exercise their ‘upstairs brain.’ ie: reason, empathy, skills in patience/communication/handling disappointment etc etc
p.72
When a child is dysregulated emotionally, first CONNECT. Then “halt” and ask yourself, is this child too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired? H.A.L.T. If possible, be proactive to stop these 4 things before they lead to a tantrum.
Connection moves a kid from reaction to receptivity. Connection calms. Say, “I know, I know.” Soothe. Hug. Breathe. Wait.
p.76
When kids act up they display Chaos, Rigidity or both. Ripping up notes is chaos. Stubbornly refusing to do something is rigidity.
p.81
interpersonal integration cultivates internal neural integration
p.82
How we respond to children when we are NOT happy with them is the real test. Do we show loving guidance? irritation and criticism? fury and a shaming outburst? It impacts the development of our relationship with them and even their own sense of self.
p.86
Viewing a tantrum or misbehaviour with empathy and compassion will lead to much greater calm and connection than if we see the child as being naughty/manipulative/difficult.
The midst of the tantrum is not the time for a teachable moment. First connect and calm, then talk about the embedded lesson.
p.88
Set limits while communicating your love and walking through the difficult moment with the child, always communicating, “I’M HERE.”
p.90
Spoiling isn’t giving unconditional love, it’s giving unconditional entitlement, child gets their way always, unquestioning, and is done for them. Connecting with a child when they are out of control isn’t spoiling, it is meeting their needs.
p.91
Don’t over protect, don’t give in bc it seems easier in the moment, to avoid a difficult scene. We set up expectations with every choice we make. What happens when a kid doesn’t get what they’ve come to expect? Disappointment helps cultivate an ability to adapt and comfort oneself.
p.92
Connection is about walking through the hard times with our children and being there for them when they are emotionally suffering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were physically suffering.
p.95
Be gentle. Say “if it’s too hard to use the slide in a way that works for you AND your friends then we’ll need to do something different, like throw the Frisbee.” This enforces boundaries and teaches we need to be considerate of others while maintaining connection and empathy.
p.97
“Would you like to walk to the car? Or can I carry you there?” During a tantrum the choice to stay and continue tantruming isn’t offered, but the dignity of the child is protected.
Relationships flourish with respect, nurturing, warmth, consideration, cooperation, and compromise.
Kids need us to set boundaries and communicate our expectations.
p.98
What connection looks like “oh sweetie, you are having a hard time. I can see you are really upset. looks like you are having fun, what are you building?”
p.103
Allow the child to experience the natural and logical fallout of their forgetfulness (the example is that the assignment isn’t complete bc they forgot a book at school)
p.106 Give you child what he needs in that moment, a parent who is fully present, parenting based on the facts of the particular situation, not on past expectations or future fears.
But, this is not to say we don’t pay attention to patterns of behaviour over time, or try to avoid getting trapped in states of denial making excuses for our child’s behaviour.
p.110 Give unconditional love and a calm presence when our kids are at their worst, especially then. (Turn up the calm piano music. Turn down the shark music.)
p.115 If we focus only on our child’s behaviour (external world) and neglect the reasons behind the behaviour (internal world) then we’ll concentrate only on the symptoms, no the cause that is producing them.
p.117 Connecting with our children involves 4 strategies: communicate comfort, validate, listen, reflect back what you’ve heard them say. It’s not only young children who need validation. She cites an example of a 19 year old calling her parent.
p.131 using a logical appeal or talking too much won’t work when a child is hurt angry or disappointed. Stop talking so much, parents!!
p.133 Calm and validate to defuse the high emotions at play. But make sure to give perspective too so those feelings don’t solidify into longer lasting perceptions. ie: i know you are mad at your sister right now, but remember how much fun you had playing together earlier today?
p.135 physical pain and emotional pain/ rejection are very similar in brain imaging
p.139 the conversation that exercises the upstairs brain takes more time and patience but has greater long term rewards
p.144 ask questions and let the child sit with the realization of the answers, rather than punishing and then they sit focusing their emotions on the punishment handed out
Awareness of that discomfort within the conscience helps grow a persons moral compass, ethics and self control.
p145 There are times when the worst time to address misbehaviour is right after it occurs. Judgment call needed.
p.147 Be calm and collected. Be consistent, but not rigid.
p.154 Instead of ‘command and demand, ask kids to notice and reflect on their feelings and responses.
p. 168 how you respond to your childs behaviour greatly impacts how the whole scene will unfold
p. 169 remember not to dismiss a child’s feelings with ‘you are just tired, it’s not a big deal, why are you so upset’ bc this minimizes their experience which is very real and powerful for them. Even if it seems absurd, don’t forget it’s real to the child.
p. 175 Embrace Emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad/mad/destructive, it is what it is, feelings just ARE. But there is something wrong with actually destroying something, smashing the TV or whatever. Delineate between feelings and actions. It’s ok to feel what you feel. It’s not ok to act recklessly.
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